Flys on the ceiling

So theres two flys on the ceiling, one fly turns to the other and says.
"Hey your mans open"

Newest CD I can't stop listening to

Sometimes managers just don't think

So at work, where I sell pens and other promotional products, they are trying to use popcorn as a motivational tool. You see this is our busy time of year and they need us to work alot of overtime. So in order to lure us into work for 40plus hours they have come up with the ingenius idea of "Popcorn Days". Now we are forbidden to eat anything but hard candies and peanuts (yeah thats right) at our desk. So you can only eat this popcorn in the lunchroom on your break or lunch. So first off that sucks, second of all, who gives a shit about popcorn?

Ok last one

I realize that posting images from Post Secret is redundant since I like to it from my blog, I do think this one is fantastically funny and will try and refrain from repeating a similar post in the future.




You know what else is kinda funny, I used the word blog in this post and did a spell check and it didn't recognize blog, it is a blog!!

Customize Google

First off if you aren't using gmail yet simply email eatthegoat@gmail.com for an invite. Secondly you must the use the customized google homepage, unless of course you don't use google.

Good Halloween Site

Funniest Post Secret Ever

Cut off by my ISP!!

So I goto check my email the other day and after some confusion realized that my internet was down. I called my ISP and they informed me that my account had been suspended for bandwidth violations. I didn't even know they had a limit on bandwidth. So after some knoodling they reactivated my account and told me to watch it. They also informed me that they had been emailng me at the account I got with my service, again I didn't even know that existed. I have no need for ISP based email, your ISP changes too often and its a pain to change email addresses. Anyway so I read the letters and then goto this page that tells me my usage, this is what it read.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monthly combined bandwidth limit: 15360 MB
Current month's bandwidth used to date (MB)
Upstream: 83737
Downstream: 70610

Current month's percentage of combined limit used: 1004 %
Current month's estimated bandwidth usage (based on the current daily average usage): 201300 MB
Estimated amount current limit will be exceeded by (based on the current daily average usage): 185940 MB

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So if I am using 100 times what I am alotted I really don't think this relationship with my ISP is gonna work out. I asked and they can't offer me another package, their loss.

Apocalyptic Flashlight

My buddy got this flashlight at Shoppers Drugmart. It doesn't take batteries. All you do is shake it and the magnet and copper coil create a charge and allow the flashlight to emit light. This is by far the greatest invention I have come across since tiny FM transmitters.

Back to work

So I'm back to work and once again projecting the illusion of productivity, I'm telling ya this is a skill. So anyway, between writting a short story and doing crossword puzzles at work today I happened upon a fly. You know the type, little black, obnoxious. Anyway, so I got to thinking, when a fly is landed on the ceiling do you think it knows its upside down?

A not new stove

Mt friends mom bought this stove as her actuall stove, like this is what she is going to cook xmas dinner in. Can you imagine the time it takes to preheat a stove of this vintage, not to mention the amount of heat that must escape into your home. The turkey won't be the only thing cooking.

Patty's Baby Boy

My buddy Pat had a baby, fortunately its head did not pop off, unlike Mary, who's baby's head did pop off. We all thought she was joking till she showed up at league night with the head as her ball.

Highway Driving

Do people still flash their headlights when they have passed a cop on the highway to warn oncoming speeders of the dangers looming ahead. I remember when I younger you would see this all the time, now I don't see it at all. If this is no longer common practice I think we as a people should bring it back.

Bands That Sell Out

When bands sell out are they really selling out? I was talking with a friend last night about this whole issue when a greenday video came on. We came to an agreement that this saying was created by bands that sucked, you know they dont suck though they just blame it on the bad equipement. Anyway we decided that selling out is really just getting the job, so next time a small independent band makes it big dont say they sold out say they got the job.

Where is RPD?

Currently without web access. RPD has been missing, stealing sometime at a friends house he simply comes to say hello. He also wonders why funkbh is telling us about walmart shopping sprees. You would think with Walmart being common place he would not shop there. Also for the fact that they have drivin most of the mom and pop stores out of business and you can no longer get services from someone you know and trust.

Moving Day

I'm moving on Saturday to a new place. I think I'm going to have to learn how to swim cause there is a pool on the 3rd floor. I actually will have a full size fridge, and a dishwasher, and a washer/dryer, and a clean stove. I'm pretty excited.

AZ little of WalMart

I have been doing a little more shopping at Walmart in the last few months. Here are some highlights.

Mess Set - $3.00. This set included 4 pots, measuring cup and a handle. All aluminum one piece construction. And I could clean it easily enough to use it again.

You have got to wonder what happened to get this in my camping bag for $3.00. I mean, I can see the physical characteristics of it. But someone had to move it through the production line, pack it and label it. Somehow it got from China to Ontario by ship, train and truck. And I purchased it at a price that Walmart profited from. It wasn't a loss-leader or opening price point item.

Rubbermaid storage containers, various sizes - From $4.77 to $12.86. Some may remember Rubbermaid (i don't) as a North American corporation that sold a great product and employed many people. More may remember the pressure that Walmart put on them to slash costs and move operations overseas, nearly bankrupting the once pround Fortune 500 company.

Bag of fun - $8.00 Contents include; 1 flying disk (a middlebrow frisbee) , set of velcro mitts and ball, water splat football, wiffleball set and a beachball.

The frisbee actually flew very true. I liked the action as much as Pat's authentic frisbee. The velcro mitts kept on stickin. The Splat Football and Beachball did thier job, which isn't much really. My issues were with the wiffleball set. The race on thehandles wasn't wide enough to fit the ball. Oh yeah, it had a handy zippered mesh carrying case.

Coleman cooler with bonus set - $19.99 Well, the bonus set was nice.

Oh my god, look what happened in London Today

Pub must restore thatched roof

Plans to restore a fire-ravaged thatched pub in Leicestershire are on hold to allow time for talks on the restoration of its roof.

Weather network message of the day

Comment on an addition of weather news about a month ago. About people and the exposure to the suns UV rays that can cause cancer, or maybe it was about pets. It was mentioned on TWN that pets have no protection against the suns damaging rays. I would like to say my neighbour, shes a little eccentric, the last few years she is not very friendly, Im not on speaking terms with her, its ever since she became and unwed single mother she hates men, so she doesnt talk to me. Shes got this brown dog, its either a rotweiller or a lab, I swear to you this is true, I think shes trying to protect her dog from the suns harmful rays. It looks like shes fastened a Lampshade to her dogs head if you can believe it; she lives about 3 houses away. I dont know if thats what it is or the purpose of it because I can no longer talk to her, she hates men now. I saw this dog walking around with a Lampshade on its head; you can investigate this if you want.

I shit you not

Open a new checking account at TD Bank and they will give you a free Ipod Shuffle. This guy at work told me about it and I of course did not believe him but then I checked the website and its true!!

Breaking News

So Im watching my morning news show Breakfast Television. There was a very uninteresting news serial about potato bugs. Then all of a sudden they cut in with a breaking news story. So this can't wait breaking news story is a live shot of the Olympic committee about who is going to get, are you ready, I hope you are. The 2012 Olympic games. Are they serious, this is breaking news, an event that won't take place for 7 years is breaking news. I was quite bothered by the situation and think I may have to write a letter. I write lots of letters.

Weather network message of the day

My name is George, Im calling from just west of wiarton Ontario. This is really nothing to do with weather but I have a question about the high gasoline prices. How much gasoline is being used at a drag strip or like Daytona 500, if the gas prices are going up why are they allowing race drivers to compete, how much gas do they use. I would like to race my car too but I can’t because the gas is too much. But all the car races use astronomical amounts of gas for nothing, just to go around the track 500 miles. Thats 500 miles I can’t use in gas for what half a year, all the driving I do, thank you for listening. If the gas price is going up why allow car races.


This is the same guy who called in about low water levels

Weather network message of the day

Hi There, I am a believer, a Christian of the god Jehovah. Witnessing the weather is wonderful. There is wind in the trees; one cant see the wind in the trees except for the trees that have wind in them. We are looking for some rain, we may bring a chunk of polar ice to the park, maybe on a large sea worthy ship. Then maybe on a truck with a big block of ice. Then we could use some local air traffic to lift the ice over the park. Thats my message for today. Take good care, Im thinking of you Nadine.

If I die this is what I want my tombstone to read.

The stationary store by my house

I do Origami, I know its odd but its something I picked up and I like it ok. So here's the thing. There is a store by my house that sells paper and paper accessories. So I wandered in there today on my way home from my 3 hour stint at work. I asked the shopkeeper if he had any origami paper, that I needed black and white paper. I'm working on an origami chess set and need black and white paper. The shopkeep in turn looked at me like I just pulled a pink elephant out of my ass. He told me he didn't know what I meant. In turn I again said I was looking for origami. Again, a look of total wonderment. Now I was getting a little wierded out by this guy. He then says he has never heard of origami, he knows not what I say. I again said, origami, you know, paperfolding. He still didn't know what I meant. I asked him how long he had been selling paper and paper accessories. About 20 years. I said and you've never heard of origami or paperfolding, he just shook his head. I walked out feeling quite stressed over the whole episode.

Angriest Young Man

What happened to Geena Davis

What ever happened to Geena Davis. She used to be in lots of movies and I don't think I've seen her since Beetlejuice. I mean she's pretty enough. Unless she smiles, because she shows to much gum. Not a good gum to tooth ratio, anyway if anyone knows what happened to Geena Davis please let me know.

Something else I won't eat

I decided I can't eat any sort of Chutney, like Mango Chutney. The sole reason being that Chutney sounds like some sort of communter train to some upity out of the way resort town that caters to urbanites from large centers. Hey thats just one mans opinion.

Weather Network Message of the Day

This was left in a Batman Villan type voice.

Its that time of the year again, happy pride week 2005 to all the gang at the weather network. I hope you all have happy wonderful joyous time. We kick it off on Sat with the annual dyke march down the young street strip. Where the gals can show there bare breasts to the delight and enjoyment of both genders, hmm. Then on Sunday the party really kicks into high gear with annual pride parade. Butt cheeks chaps, pierced nipples, dildos and ex-penises are just a few of the many sights to see. There will be endless fun and profanities to be had. So leave your inhibitions at the door cuz party poopers need not apply. Lets all get on out there and have a really big gay old time. Love you, Bye

Current Fav CD

Cats with OCD

This girl at work was told her cat has Obesive Compulsive Disorder and the he needs prozac. So now she spends $40 a month to buy her OCD cat prozac!!

What a day!!

I actually broke a sweat at work today, now you ask why is he posting this. Well the thing is I tend to sit on my ass and project the appearance of productivity. For some reason I actually had to do something today and man I broke a sweat, I don't think I've ever gotten even winded at work. I have always worked desk jobs because of my fear of manual labor, but if this continues I may have to find a more stagnant job. Suggestions are welcome.

Thank god the new Foo Fighters CD is out

Sounds pretty good to me right now, but i'm kinda baked.

Excersise, no way!!

If walking is so good for you why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut!?

Why do things change?

I have a little bit of a rant today. My best friends parents are moving today. Now it's actually two best friends, brothers, and I have lived next to them for 21 years. Now that's not entirely true. We all moved away from home to different cities about 6 years ago. We have always stayed close, we are really just brothers from different mothers you know. Anyway, the issue is that we are always home on holidays and those times are spent equally between our two homes, actually more their parents than mine (mine are a little uptight). So you know I would wake up in the morning and just scoot over to Steve French's house (fake name) and we would eat breakfast and get baked. It was a good life. If It was 2am and I was bored I would just go rap on Steve French's (fake name) window and we would just chill and get baked you know. Now when I go home to my parents I am going to be totally alone, no one, just me and my stepdad who tends to fall asleep with the remote for the TV on his crotch so I have to use a broom handle to get it. Anyway this is upsetting me today so I though I would write about it.

Milo And Felix, American Idols

Most people don't know I have rabbits, andeven fewer know that they were guest judges on American Idol.

Testing Out an Audible Post

Weather Network Message of the Day

Another fine message courtesy of the weather network.

Thank you for taking Anne Marie Sweeney off the air and hopefully off the planet. She is disgusting! We turn her on at night just to have a laugh. She looks and acts like a teenage hooker. She does no justice for The Weather Network. She flirts with the camera, her short tight skirts at her middle age. She puts those slits in her skirts. She runs around like a mare in heat! She can't stand still for 2 seconds. We love Suzanne Feliz and Chris St. Clair. Bye for now.

This guy calls all the time

Weather Network Message of the Day

Could you please stop showing the temperature, thank you.

What I'm cooking

1 pkg Fusilli
Gorgonzola Cheese sauce
Cream Cheese
Mozzarella Cheese
1 can Chunky Tomatoes
Spinach
Mushrooms
Broccoli
Roasted Red Peppers
SunDried Tomatoes

Sometimes you just hate things

So I decided that I need a cause in my life, you know something to fight for. So I've decided that I am against picketing, I just don't know how to show it.

What do I listen to?

I got an I-Pod and I need some new music to listen to. What's the best stuff out there right now?

I just bought that DVD from a pirate

The movie Illuminati was pretty ridiculous. I was too hot to do anything so I watched almost all 4 hours of it. It was the crazy conspiracy theory involving ancient satanic guilds, Freemasonry, and the American Bush family. It looks like it was produced at the Weekly World News.

A good argument for church

I am currently reading Dan Browns, Angels and Demons. Hence the Illuminatic look of the blog. I think I may change the look to reflect what I am reading at the time. Anyway, so I'm reading this book, now I'm not a god fearing man, but I read one paragraph in this good that actually made good sense as to what church should mean to people in our culture that now has answers that the bible once purposed to answer. So I decided to post it, here it is.

"For Sylvie, the church had always been an innocuous entity...a place of fellowship and introspection...sometimes just a place to sing out loud without people starting at her. The church recorded the benchmarks of her life, funerals, weddings, baptisms, holidays, and it asked for nothing in return. Even the monetary dues were voluntary. Her children emerged from Sunday School every week uplifted, filled with ideas about helping others and being kinder. What could possibly be wrong with that?"

By far the best argument for church I have ever heard.

The benches around my dwelling

I opted to use the word dwelling simply because I am looking through the yellow pages. Have you ever noticed that the only place in the world they still use words like this are in the yellow pages. Have you ever looked for clothes in the yellow pages. They are not listed under clothes they are listed under apparel, who the hell still uses that word. Anyway I'm getting a little of topic. I live in a large urban center and havve noticed something odd. We have these benches all around the city lining the sidewalks. There are actually people who sit on these benches as a pastime. They just sit there and watch the world go by. I've been to other cities that have benches that sit empty day after day. Why are these benches getting used, what is the attraction?

Wacko Jacko not so wacko afterall

In one of the more publicized legal battles of the century Michael Jackson has been found not guilty on all ten counts against him. Ranging from lude acts on a child to supplying alcohol to a minor for the purposes of a felony. I say way to go Michael I knew you would beat it.

To the rescue

On Friday I was driving down Ridout Street by the BlackFriars bridge and the car ahead of me stopped. On the side of the road I saw a small racoon that looked real sick.

There were dozens of animal rights stickers on the back og this car, and the woman who stepped out motioned for me to join her. I figured 'What the hell,' and joined her.

The racoon (raccoon? It looks wrong both ways), hid under the car. They bite pretty quick, and this one had distemper or infections of some sort, so we weren't about to stick our arms underneath for kicks. She was calling people from her radical group, the London Animal Alliance, for some supplies for saving this guy. I think most of it's legs were broken.

Her friend Florine, a leader of the group, and her fairly attractive sister came with her net. After we got it out it was tangled in the net, and in the process of getting it to the cage fairly attractive sister was bit badly. When we cut the net up I recommended returning it to Canadian Tire because they take anything.

Just a cartoon

1235813213455

sociqii lqmoik moqk com lqikc qk yw ais oiic

My work situation

I have a meeting with Cathy Horney on Monday.

Where is Old Zealand?

Can someone please tell me why New Zealand is new. I have never heard of Zealand, is there or was there a Zealand and if not then why and the hell do they call it New Zealand?

Holy shit thats the guy

I just saw the picture of the 'EATGOAT' license plate guy. Prick. Did you notice the little 'eat more goat bumper' sticker.

Jose's death pool

Right now I have no air conditioning. My fish tank temperature is 86 F.

Unfortunately, the fish generally enjoys to live in water at 76 F. Does anyone have a good solution? Aside from springing for air conditioning, which I won't do.

If not, I'm taking the 16th of June in Jose's death pool. Entry to the contest is free, and prize money is guaranteed. (all gauruntee's void upon winning)

Thank you

The book I just read

Just finished Brave New World today. It was kinda wierd. Alot of Shakespeare, sex-hormone chewing gum and blood surrogate human assembly lines.

Those little plastic bags, no not those ones

I actually ran out of plastic bags from the grocery store the other day. I couldn't believe it. You collect so many of them to the point where you complain about having too many. Then the day came when I went to grab a bag for my lunch and the bag spot was empty. I was mystified. I have never seen this before. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't bring my sad little lunch without a bag. I just can't walk down the street holding whatever frozen entree was on sale that week. I would look quite the fool. Then I went to tidy up the living room, I had nothing to collect the garbage in. I can tell you this, never again will I complain about the buildup of little plastic bags.

Marjorie Allen

When the weather gets all nice suddenly you feel like quitting your job and *I have a yeast infection...* moving or doing nothing. But you need a a job to make some money, I guess. That or some dope, right.

What if I changed my name

I was thinking about what I would change my name to if I was so inclined to do so. I was thinking names like Max Power, or Ryan Diamond (Simply for the pickup line, Diamonds last forever). Then I came to thinking I would change my name to something like Crappy McFartson and then I would find the cure for cancer and thy would have to name a day after me and it would be Crappy McFartson day.

Drivers in the morning

You can always tell who is not going to work in the morning. These people who sit in the right lane on a red light blocking your well planned escape route from traffic congestion. Then these slow drivers, like no one else has anywhere to go at 8am. I think a bylaw should be placed that all peoples should be forced to drive as wrecklessly and aggressively as possible between the hours of 7am and 10am.

Malt Vinegar Package

Someone at work brought a package of malt vinegar back from lunch. I have never seen malt vinegar in a single serving pouch before. I didn't feel like asking them where they got it. I was just to mystified with the fact that such a convenience exists.

Has anyone seen Mike?

It seems that mike hasn't posted anything in 12 days. I wonder if he may be dead, I really hope he isn't. Do you think maybe he gave up on this idea of blogging our random thoughts. He is moving soon, you think maybe he got his internet disconnected early. That might be it, I sure hope he isn't dead. I mean I could just call him but I don't know if I can handle the news of his death. Man I can't believe mike is dead. He was always a good pal. We will miss you Mike.

Update: I REALLY gotta get back to church

Thanks to Peter (See May 17th) for this picture.

I gotta get back to church!!

Props to Trickybrit for finding this site

Church Sing Generator

Worst socks ever

I know there are a million things wrong with this photo but check out the socks on this guy!!

Camel 9-1-1 Call

911 Dispatcher: 911, what's your emergency?
Caller: Uh, yes. I'm at the Mayle Farm in Shinnston and I'm under a camel.
911 Dispatcher: Okay. Can you breathe?
Caller: Barely. As long as he doesn't move anymore, I can.
911 Dispatcher: Okay. How did you get under it?
Caller: I was painting a fence and he knocked me down.
911 Dispatcher: Okay.
Caller: He won't let me up. He won't let me out

2050 - and immortality is within our grasp

PlayStation 5 will probably be as powerful as the human brain


Pretty funny article of the future of computer power. War of the machines cannot be to far away. We will be assimilated.

Just To Clarify.

I feel the need to clarify this point. I don't eat goat. I doubt that Mike eats goat either. I did try moose sausage once, its was quite good until I found out it was moose, then I no longer ate it. I honestly don't eat anything remotely wierd. Have you seen the green Tabasco Sauce. Now this stuff is odd, it has this wierd translucent green quality to it that really turns me off, I don't care how it tastes I'm not eating that. I could go on and on about things I don't eat simply because they are odd. Succotash for example, sure its only corn and green beans, I like beans, I like corn (now I only eat corn in the cob, not off the cob, its too close to cream corn that way), but I could never eat succotash simply because of the name. I can't quite remember where Mike got the name Eat The Goat, I know he used to litter our desks in college with the phrase. I believe it is the name of his fictitious slasher metal band. I could be wrong.

This Guy Also Eats Goat

I heard those BX93 girls are real sluts

Some of these guys at work are real hicks. I've never met people my age that like country music, but these guys just love the shit. Songs about 'workin hard' and 'Texas bands'. One kid was telling me about the BX93 parties (that's the local country radio station) where girls get undressed to dance on the pole provided. That sounds very at odds with my concept of the south central Ontario farm life

Jody Dunn is an idiot

"Cabo Wabo tequila is made by Sammy Hagar, guitarist in Van Halen..." I bet this writer just figured the guy named Van Halen must be the singer, so the other notable guy must would be the guitarist.

After the non-confidence vote

As opposed to the generous activity that our leaders have been performing since the Liberal minority government came to be, all of the politicians will take a 'break week' before resuming parliament now that they have passed the budget.

This is really just an exercise in opportunism

SAN JOSE, Calif. — A man who lost part of his finger in a workplace accident was the source of the fingertip used in an alleged scam against Wendy's restaurants and he gave it away to settle a debt, his mother said.

Treat Ipperwash natives like bikers

FOREST, ONT. – Senior members of government called for treating natives in a burial ground protest “like a bunch of bikers,” according the previously unreleased tapes at the public inquiry into the death of aboriginal activist Anthony (Dudley) George.

Belinda Stronach

This is really bothering me. When a political candidate runs for office doesn't that person run with a party affiliation. Now I know I vote (or at least plan to vote) for the party more than the individual. This just seems like Mrs Stronach ran under a party that would give her a good chance of winning in her riding and then jumped ship to the party I can only presume she always intended to be with. I think, and please correct me if I'm wrong, that if she is no longer happy with her current affiliation she should have to resign and then run again under the new party.

Espresso Martini

Ingredients:

* 1 oz cold Espresso
* 1 1/2 oz Vodka (Absolut)
* 1 1/2 oz Kahlua
* 1 oz white Creme de Cacao

Rare Mind Software and Consulting

Apparently Peter is starting his own software company. I say cudos to you my good friend and best of luck. The only thing I ponder is what this wonderfull image may portray to potenntial clients.

Update: Razor

I received my check from Gillette on friday. I was impressed.

On the topic of razors

I bought a Mach3 Turbo quite sometime ago. It honestly works well. Thats the not the reason for this snippet today. You see I was shaving one day when all of a sudden the razor leaped from my hands and fell to the floor with a sonic boom. A little plastic piece on the end seprated from the razor chassis that caused the blade to fall off all the time. I devised a system in which I wet a piece of unused tiolet paper and jammed it in with the little piece of plastic and that seemed to work. It still fell out once in awhile but it worked ok. So anyway I decide like 6 months later to call Gillette about my razor. I spoke with a woman at their customer support center and without any proof of purchase or even a barcode from the packaging she decided that she would send me a check for $12US to cover the broken razor. I am still awaiting my check as it has only been like 4 days. I will let you know if it clears.

Walmart - Runnals

Razors: These are expensive and vibrate
Mouthwash: Kills bacteria that cause bad breath
Toothpaste: Like brushing your teeth with milkshakes
Dish soap: I may do dishes from time to time
Peanut Butter Kit Kat bar: This was awesome
Little gum: They last longer in theory, then you eat two.

Who Doesn't love bubble wrap

Update: The Shower Puff

I am not alone in this adventure

Click on the horses to make them sing

I feel the need to confese this fact.

I use a shower puff now in the shower. I can't believe I never did. Simply the friction on the puff thingy is reason enough. I don't see how I was getting clean before. Phew, it feels really good to get that off my chest and let the world know.



Now I only wish I could find a black one, maybe with a skull on it.

May 24

If anyone wants to go to country camping call me or e-mail me .

Tony punching somebody

If you want to see tony punch somebody watch this video

Casandra's house

I saw this guy wearing a cowboy hat doing traditional Ukrainian dance at the Selinger-some guy buck and do. That was a little odd but strangely beautiful after 20+ jello shooters and beer. Beth bought the rest of the shooters and I must have taken 10-12 in a minute or two. It really was a bad idea because I puked the next morning.

Man claims Parkinson's drug made him gambling addict

I also know a Toronto man who claims Marijuana made him lazy!!

See this guy can cook goat heads.

Look at salmon tunic guys face. He looks like he just doesn't believe he should eat goat head.

The proper way of cooking the goat head

Here we go, finally. A recipe to cook a goat head. Martha Stewart watch out!!

Canadian Tire Guy - The quintessential canadian man

This not mine:

Canadian Tire Guy: "Greetings, Joe! Repairing the deck, I see."

Neighbor: [repressing a sigh] "Yep. Just puttering away, you know."

Canadian Tire Guy: "You know--"

Neighbor: "I don't care, Canadan Tire Guy."

Canadian Tire Guy: [soldiering on regardless] "You know--with my MasterCraft Deck Treatment Pump-Pen, I can waterproof lumber while writing checks and making shopping lists!"

Neighbor: "That's great."

Canadian Tire Guy: "Check out that pressurized nozzle! That's one even spray! The onboard digital clock means I'm never late, and the built-in, handle-mounted thermometer never has me at a loss for the temperature! And look!" [clips pen to shirt] "The titanium grip means I'll never lose it! Thanks, MasterCraft!"

Neighbor: "Uh huh." [cell phone rings] "Hello? What? Oh my god."

Canadian Tire Guy: "Something the matter, Joe?

Neighbor: "I can't talk now, my wife's going into labor!"

Canadian Tire Guy: "Really? You know, my MasterCraft Adjustable Five-Speed Birth Pump can suction a baby out of a uterus in half the time of a hospital! It can be powered by most major car batteries and fits right in the glove compartment! Machine washable? It is! And look!" [clips birth pump to face] "The titanium grip means I'll never lose it! Thanks, MasterCraft!"

Dr. Drugs

Via Slate: Nearly all doctors that were approached by "patients" prescribed the anti-depressant Paxil when the actors described symptoms that were unrelated to the drug but mentioned, "I saw a Paxil ad, and something about it really said something to me." The number dropped to 30% when the ad was not mentioned.

The Year of the Goat guy

This is my correspondence with Karl, the guy from Year of the Goat.

I: Can you send me that picture on your website with the ‘EATGOAT’ license plate? I have a thing called ‘eatthegoat’ Since it's about eating goats and all, it would be an interesting item.

www.blogspot.eatthegoat.com

K: Hi Mike,

I tried to visit your blog at the address, but nothing came up.
Can you check the URL?

thanks,

Karl

Since I gave Karl the right address he hasn't got back to me.

Weather network message fo the day

Someone needs to tell moron Nadine that you can’t have pretty big little hailstones. You can have little or big, you can’t have pretty big little hailstones. Someone should also tell her that she should stop talking to us like we are children, pronouncing every word, like Toronto.

Heres one for the graduates

"A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don't have a J.O.B."

- Fats Domino

Bo Bice - American Crackhead

Like the death penalty

The governor of Massachusetts is legislating the return of capital punishment in that state.

Sad day, Bob Hunter, Dead at 63

Recent graduates of an accredited Canadaian University

Christine
Rich
Nathan
Maxine
Kaleena

Win some, lose some

My buddy Rich moved away to learn some french, but Marilyn is back for the time being.

Accounting party

Yes, accountants are as boring as you have imagined. A night spent drinking with an office full of them and I didn't hear a dirty joke or f-shot. Though Christine's 154 bowling score did top them all. And this was the party to celebrate the end of tax time.

All the Drunken Irishmen

Kinda looks like your uncle Pat

Gremlins

This could be bad

If this happens in the Netherlands. Where prostitution is legal and so is smoking weed. Whats going to happen over here?

Dutch
plans for iPod tax could kill MP3 industryr

This is bottled in my home town.

Magic water from Cornwall.

Mysteries of the magic water man

Bob MacKenzie - A Canadian Poet (He eats the goat)

Ceremony by Bob MacKenzie

When the Sun is at his highest,
and not looking,
I lean against the western edge,
and I wait there.

My servants build a cage of stone,
bed and circle,
eleven watchers and the trap
set near the edge.

He will be hungry at day's end,
ready for goat:
at the centre of the circle
the feast is laid.

Quietly we watch him coming,
our eyes his fire,
our souls reaching from our white robes:
we slay the goat.

The scent of goat roasting rises,
filling the skies,
tempts the Sun descending to us:
priests in his name.

The goat leads the Sun to the gate,
and wind rises;
under the table stone he rests:
a ball of fire.

I take the sun in my right hand,
fire on my palm;
a ball of fire between my hands,
I raise them high.

I am fire: before me all bow,
eyes averted,
revering the Sun incarnate:
I eat the goat.

The wind rises and the light fades,
and they bow still:
when at last they dare raise their eyes,
the Sun has gone.

My priests lay me on the table,
and wait my soul:
when I return the Sun has gone
over the edge.

This guy totally didn't mean anything cool at all but it came out nicely:

"The Teenager craves a melody that will move him forever, seeks an experience so intense that he will forget what time it is, and so absorbing that it will blot out all eternity."

It's funny how you go from looking up a band to ending up on the "Home School Magazine" website.

The CD's I bought today

Jack Johnson - On and On

Bloc Party - Silent Alarm

I went to pick up a tyrannosaurus rex album that Rob ordered. Terri bought some CD's too so it made it tough not buy anything even though I'm broke.

St George's Day

England's national drinking day , named after it's patron saint, passed on April 23rd without much incident. Similar to the Irish tradition of St. Patrick's Day in that it is best enjoyed away from it's native land. The recent history of nationalist displays are tabloid fodder and could swing the upcoming election towards the Tories. My girlfriend was pretty loaded.

Rare Goat

Excerpted from 'The Goat Farmer' magazine:

RUSTLERS MISTAKENLY EAT RARE GOAT

Hong Kong - Goat rustlers in western China mistakenly ate a rare animal worth 30 000 yuan (about R25 000), a news report said on Thursday.The thieves thought the animal they stole in Donying, Shandong province, was a common goat but it was in fact an expensive Boer goat popularised by the Dutch and reared for its high quality meat.

Twenty eight of the goats worth a total of $18 000 were stolen from six livestock farms in Shadong province between May and August, according to the Hong Kong edition of the China Daily.All were recovered except for the one which the gang of thieves said they mistakenly cooked and ate thinking it was a common goat, the newspaper said.

Paul Martin - This Dude on TV.

Courtesy of the Weather Network

Hi, get this, there’s this fellow on TV he’s from the government, the mayor or whatever, and he’s apologizing for some kind of cuts he did to Canadians. Every single channel just about had this guy on. I know where to turn, guaranteed the only channel that will not have this dude on and it’s the weather channel. They do not, sorry sometimes I don’t want to listen to them. So I switched to you guys, isn’t it nice to know you’re so popular.


This lady sounded normal!?

Will you marry me?

So I'm talking with my good ole college drinking buddy, you know the kind, Jeremy. So he tells me he says, "Ryan I'm getting married". So I says to the guy, I says. "Jeremy my friend, sweet, I'm actually happy for you, its like buying a big tv, once you got it, you don't have to worry about getting another one."

Something I saw in my apartment.

Walked into my prisitine kitchen only to see this run across the floor.
To be totally honest, after I came to, I considered asking for my
sizable deposit back.

Not good news

Denis is gone (B.C). Donna is gone (B.C) . Christine...gone(England). Marilyn is leaving tomorrow (Farming). It's probably going to be a crappy weekend.

April 20th

I did a lot of drawings yesterday. I figure I should just leave that date on all of my drawings for now on. Me and Dick Dix (that's better in print) went to 123 wharncliffe to smoke weed. We watched half baked and listened to sublime.

The Most Educated Person I Know

My girlfriend got wrote her last exam today for her degree. That makes her The Most Educated Person I Know.

Hey Mike, I See You

Consumables

Took back $32 in empties yesterday.

Commodities

I was researching why the price of M2 tool steel is so high. The M-type tool steels are high in molybdenum content, an alloying element that is surging in price. Apparently it is used quite a bit in oil extraction piping and delivery systems. The construction of the $20-billion Alaskan Oil Pipeline will push this price close to $60 per pound, just one among many economic or environmental impacts.

http://www.canada.com/national/nationalpost/financialpost/story.html?id=78be10b9-86e8-432c-82c6-93ebd3aa1af7

Lost weed

When I woke up this morning on Pat's futon I noticed that I lost my weed. Nobody else was up yet and I was still to drunk to drive home so I figured I would go look for it at Chad and stacy's house down the street where the keg was. To my dismay it was nowhere to be found, but on the way home I saw a cigarette pack with money half stuck in it.

Earth Day

Another great message courtesy of the weather network.

Surely you jest, do you really think earth day is a worldwide celebration. Do you think people in Africa who are suffering with HIV, battle hemorrhagic fever, Ebola and other kinds of issues; People in the lower continent of India, billions of people who can barely put together something to eat for a day. The whole world celebrates earth day! You are diluted.

Jetsgo Napkin

Heard that wonderfull sound, you know it, the ice cream man. So I ran down from my desk and got myself a soft ice cream swirl. You know chocolate and vanilla mixed. Anyway I remove my napkin only to see a jetsgo logo on it. Thought it was amusing. Mike may not, this will probably be deleted.

Weather Network, Message of the day.

This guy calls and complains on a regular basis.

“Harrington Harbor, Its in Quebec” do you realize how silly and stupid you sound when you make comments like that? We had to look it up we didn’t know where it was! And this has been my point the last few months that I’ve been laid up here watching ya. You know nothing outside of southern Ontario and Toronto. This is a good example why I say what I say to you. You are the two biggest bimbos I’ve ever heard on television my whole life and I wish someone at that weather network would take a hint and get you off of there.

Darfur is fucking crazy

When they go to burn the village they throw the dead bodies in the well so the water gets contaminated.

My girlfriend (to be named at a later date due to the sensitive nature of girlfriends)

Watching 'Americas Next Top model'. It's not a very good show. Tyra Banks Kind of looks like a transvestite with the red hair. The cable was screwing so it kept freezing on her face in wierd poses. Transvestite hooker. Man she was hot in Fresh Prince.

Kyan Douglas - Male Model

Kyan Douglas is currently appearing in an ad for hair highlights.
He also shops at Sears.

Personal issues

Ryan posted a running item today that I deleted about receptionists. He might be pissed.

What happened to the water.

I also spend parts of my day sorting through messages left for the weather network, yes people have an outlet to complain about the weather. This is an actuall message left this morning.

Hi my name is George I used to live in and around London Ontario. I called you from there, now I moved to wiarton actually west from wiarton, which is north of London Ontario. Uh, its unbelievable, in grand bend and port franks along the lake Huron area they’ve been dredging the water because the waters been going down so much. Well I came out here, I’ve been coming out to wiarton area for many many years, over ten years and when the snow just melted just west of wiarton, there’s a place called sandy bay and a place called elephant, the waters gone, you can literally walk to the island, the boats there were hundreds upon hundreds of boats that used to be there, the docks like there’s no water, I think, I’m damn sure now that Americans have put a big huge pipe in the thing and they’ve been taking so much water its unbelievable, like you wanna see how much water is gone, just come and see. It’s unbelievable. My phone number is 5X9-5X4-4X2X. There’s no way drought has done this, lake Huron will be without water in probably ten years there will be no more water in lake Huron, If you look at how much water has gone between last year and this year oh boy, what happened to the water.

A question for the ages

A Man needs to bring a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage across the river.
The boat is tiny and can only carry one passenger at a time.
If he leaves the wolf and the goat alone together, the wolf will eat the goat.
If he leaves the goat and the cabbage alone together, the goat will eat the cabbage.
How can he bring all three safely across the river?

Bionic Sweatshirt

Updated: Pat bought a sweatshirt at Call the office. Its funny becuase there is a pirate skull on the back.

Eating the goat

The Time It Takes To Eat a Goat

A lion can eat a goat in 2 days and a wolf can eat it in 3 days and a fox can eat it in 5 days. I want to know how long it would take if all these animals got together to eat the goat? (Italy, ca 1600)

Manuel Noriega's resume

For those interested in juntas.

http://www-personal.umich.edu/~lormand/poli/soa/panama.htm

My girlfriend (to be named at a later date due to the sensitive nature of girlfriends)

Old Oak Properties turned down my rental application today (My credit is terrible). They even fucked up by telling my employer that my girlfriend and I were a "lovely couple". She's gonna be an accountant. What gives this company the right to discuss thier opinions of my personal life. Oh, wait a second, that's illegal. So really, I guess nothing gives them the right to do as described.

www.oldoakproperties.comb

Beers by the river

I was drinking beer and smoking some weed down by the river with Rich and Nathan when this guy and kid came by on bikes. It was mildly uncomfortable.

My boss actually has this as a screensaver and wallpaper.

Bride burning

Don't ask me what it means anymore.

http://www.countercurrents.org/gen-gupta250503.htm

Expert

The United States exports 36% of it's goods to NAFTA endorsed countries while poor sibling Canadah maintains a 90% percent rate.

The european union

The european union now has 25 members.

EU25 Member States:

Austria
Belgium
Cyprus
Czech Republic
Denmark
Estonia
Finland
France
Germany
Greece
Hungary
Ireland
Italy
Latvia
Lithuania
Luxembourg
Malta
The Netherlands
Poland
Portugal
Slovakia
Slovenia
Spain
Sweden
United Kingdom

Canditate Countries:

Bulgaria
Croatia
Romania
Turkey

Application Pending:

Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia

The show I saw last night

Call the office
Bionic
78's
some other band

$6 cover

I don't know how much drinks were because i'm broke and drank other people's beer.